Great!” exclaimed one fellow of Foul Play’s acquaintance last week when the news broke that Roy Keane would be rejoining the Republic of Ireland set-up. “I can’t wait to go to Portugal now!”

And there we have it. Woooo-hoooo! He’s back! And only 22 months too late.
The public reaction to the news that Keane has seen fit to plunge back into the world of international football can probably be divided into three fairly distinct strands. The first is a slightly unseemly mixture of glee and gratitude that we now have our “best ever player” (sic) back in the fold.
The second is contemptuous displeasure that Keane is being given another opportunity to play for Ireland after what happened prior to the last World Cup.
And the third is probably equidistant from the previous two: a vague bemusement as to why this is happening now, rather than in late 2002, when Keane would have stood far more chance of doing some good for the Irish cause.
In other words, why is Roy Keane’s timing so bad? Why could he not have got back in the frame after Mick McCarthy was fired 18 months ago, a point in time when he was stronger, fitter, faster and generally less knackered than he is now? Why can he play against France and Switzerland next season when he couldn’t play against Georgia and Albania last season – yet still managing to skipper Man U to the title?
More to the point, why does he keep jerking the Ireland team around like this? “I’ll play. No, actually, I won’t. Well, I might if a new manager comes along. Nah, I’ve had enough. But hang on, I fancy one more crack at it.” Why can’t he just fucking leave it?
For a start, it won’t improve the team as much as some people think. The Roy Keane that turns up for the Cyprus game in September (unless he changes his mind again in the interim, which can’t be ruled out) will be a pale, 33-year-old shadow of the Roy Keane that rampaged through the midfields of Portugal and Holland like a human kango-hammer in 2001. He is well past his best, something that has been painfully apparent in most of Manchester United’s games this season.
Which brings us to the question of how Keane’s return will affect the current shape of the Ireland side. In the recent Brazil and Czech Republic friendlies, the team played some lovely football with a coherent midfield, even if at times there seemed to be more left wingers on the pitch than there were spectators in the stands.
Now everything is once more out the window. How is Brian Kerr going to build a midfield for the long term when everyone knows Keane will be gone again by either November 2005 or July 2006? How is Liam Miller supposed to get a game now? Or does Kerr, in fact, have a wily stratagem to play Keane at the back beside Kenny Cunningham, in a pairing long on experience but short on pace? God knows.
When Keane announced his decision, his possible motives were eagerly picked over by the press, with virtually unanimous agreement that he was incurring the wrath of Alex Ferguson by doing this.
In fact, there may be a simpler explanation. It is possible that Ferguson is letting him do this now because he realises Keane is a largely spent force. Certainly, if Keane makes 20 or more Premiership starts for Man United next season, I will be absolutely astonished.
Of course, he may not be at Man United next season. One of the more unfortunate side-effects of his Ireland comeback has been the resumption of the “Keane to Celtic” rumours that first started up a few years ago.
The fact that an ageing and clearly past-it Keane would still be well able to dominate most, if not all, of his SPL equivalents is hardly the point. From his numerous comments to the press on the subject, he seems to view Celtic as some sort of footballing convalescent home where he can drop anchor for a year or so and quietly see out his career in a relatively restful manner.
Speaking as a Celtic fan, no thanks. With their foot pressing on Rangers’ neck for the time being, Celtic are currently in the process of trying to truly establish themselves as a genuine middleweight club in Europe, after years of grisly and embarrassing underachievement.
For that to happen — and the Villarreal tie showed just how much they have left to do — they need fresh young players with everything to prove, not 33-year-old warhorses on their last legs.