No disrespect to Third World sweatshop labourers intended, but it has to be said: film critics follow a terrible profession. No sooner had we been fooled into believing in the advent of a new cinematic Golden Age than the rug was yanked from under our feet, and all subsided into mediocrity again. The turn of the millenium, though, has to be fondly remembered as easily the most sustained period of high-quality product in living memory: between New Year and late spring, there wasn t so much a glut of good movies as an avalanche.

Moviehouse s nominations for the best and worst of 2000 were voted for by your correspondents Craig Fitzsimons and Tara Brady on a 10-9-8-etc. basis we are, after all, fervent believers in democracy, at least until the day when our benevolent dictatorship comes to pass and you are all forced at gunpoint into the fields. In the meantime, we would like in all sincerity to wish each and every one of you an extremely happy Christmas, and hope to see you again in 2001!

BEST OF 2000

1 THE INSIDER, though effectively ignored by screens and audiences alike, will stand the test of time as one of the most gripping, courageous and powerful movies of all time. It s a stunningly focused and single-minded expose of the American tobacco industry s absolute moral bankruptcy, bookended by magnificent performances from Russell Crowe and Al Pacino, and way more entertaining than it has any right to be, given the subject matter not since Roger & Me has any critique of corporate capitalism rang so true.

2 Time will tell whether AMERICAN BEAUTY is one of history s all-time classics or merely the ultimate zeitgeist movie - but few would dare to argue with what Moviehouse described at the time as its complete and utter fucking magnificence . Phenomenally entertaining, black as the ace of spades, stunningly acted and shot through with a life-affirming optimism from start to finish, I think anyone who saw it will agree that it passed the time quite acceptably.

3 RUN LOLA RUN, a joyful adrenaline rush best described as the cinematic equivalent of a methamphetamine and Red Bull cocktail, was Euro-cinema at its most dazzling. Basically a breathless 80-minute sprint against time, with super-fit heroine Lola coming on like a wondrous mixture of Beatrice Dalle and Carl Lewis, it leaves the viewer dazed, stunned and enthralled.

4 AIDAN WALSH: MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE finally relates the cult Irish rock-god s story for a broader audience, and does so in commendably sympathetic fashion without ever downplaying the guy s inherent hilariousness. Beset by budgetary restrictions, but so skilfully crafted and intelligently-structured that you d never notice it for a minute, it s a highly respectful and deeply touching portrayal of a subject more often held up to sneering ridicule and it s out on video any day now.

5 THE LUZHIN DEFENCE was received with a mixture of indifference and hostility, and died at the box office. We adored it. An adaptation of Nabokov s tragic love story with John Turtturo in spellbinding form as the near-autistic Russian chess genius of the title, the film unfolds in a series of beautifully melancholic flashback sequences. So heartfelt it almost hurts, the film leaves itself wide-open to accusations of morbidity and miserabilism, but fills the heart with the kind of glow that s rare in the extreme. Not one for Celtic Tigercubs.

6 Even more ambitious in scope than Paul Thomas Anderson s breakthrough Boogie Nights, MAGNOLIA sees the wunderkind director paying homage to such culturally diverse sources as JD Salinger and Akira Kurasawa, and weaves together an expansive narrative of death-bed remorse, sexual abuse, quiz shows and biblical plagues. If that wasn t enough to win you over, it s got Tom Cruise using the C -word incessantly.

7 Maybe the most bizarrely-conceived movie in living memory, BEING JOHN MALKOVICH fuses bizarre screwball comedy, surrealist fantasy, cruelly misanthropic satire and off-beat philosophy into a remarkable if sprawling whole. I still haven t figured out how profound or otherwise it really is but in terms of humour, imagination and pure originality, it s up there with anything you ve ever set eyes on.

8 Based on the story of real-life Aussie scuzz-bag Mark Chopper Reid, CHOPPER manages a barrage of laugh-out-loud moments from the biographical details of its morally repugnant protagonist, yet the resulting film is both brutal and complex enough to never descend into the realms of moral bankruptcy.

9 THE FILTH & THE FURY is arguably the most valuable and sorely-needed rock-and-roll documentary ever released: chronicling the turbulent history of the Sex Pistols with a remarkable intimacy and affinity, it drips with all the vitality, caustic humour and real intelligence its subjects deserve and there s plenty of electrifying Bollocks- era noise on offer by way of a bonus. Immortal.

10 THE END OF THE AFFAIR, Neil Jordan s take on Graham Greene s semi-autobiographical novel about an extra-marital affair, is racked throughout with the kind of guilt, anger and existential weariness one would more commonly associate with Abel Ferrara: coated in an atmosphere of complete desolation, it s demanding, emotionally exhausting and profoundly sad. And utterly absorbing.

WORST OF 2000

1 DANCER IN THE DARK received substantial critical acclaim in many quarters as a provocative arthouse tour de force, acclaim which it is the duty of this column to rectify post-haste. Dancer is, with all the best will in the world, so shit that it can only be described as the cinematic equivalent of colonic irrigation in reverse more po-faced and humourless than anything Peter Greenaway has ever put his name to, this tortuous depression-fest of sun-starved Scandinavian misery represents the absolute last word in bullshit
pretension.

2 THE PATRIOT did a fantastic job of distilling the essence of US patriotism into a ruthless imperative to hack all opponents into shards: Mel Gibson stars as a axe-weilding maniac. Indeed, our Gibbo is so devoted to the cause of bloodthirsty mutilation that you can practically make out the vague outlines of his hard-on in every butchering scene in other words, this is a role he was born to play.

3 DEUCE BIGALOW, MALE GIGOLO. To invoke Spinal Tap Shit Sandwich. Think Adam Sandler, but with 27,000,000 times less appeal and talent, and you still won t fully comprehend the extremity of the horror that is Rob Schiender and this odious little movie of his.

4 ME, MYSELF, I. More offensive crap from the cinematic spin-off of Spinster fiction (Bridget Jones, The Girls guide to Hunting and Fishing, ad infinitum) As in All men are bastards why can t I have one? . In short, the most noxious set-back to women s rights seen Ally Mc Beal came to pass. Godawful.

5 BIG MOMMA S HOUSE. Uncle Tom-foolery of the highest order, starring the lamentable Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent forced to assume the identity of a gigantic, superannuated Southern granny. A barrage of Dixie-fried falsetto oooohhhh, chile s and lawwwdy, mistuh s ensue, and if the ghost of Eddie Murphy doesn t put you off, the film s volume level should.

6 THE NEXT BEST THING. Ageing Britophile Madonna attempts a monstrous hybrid of Californian and faux-aristocratic accent in what can only be assumed to be a half-assed Hepburn homage, featuring the sun-dried old diva as an uber-fag-hag who calls on her favoured shopping buddy Rupert Everett (Do these women think all gay men are pets or something?) to do the impregnation honours when all the straight blokes prove to be bastards (aren t they always?). The worst part is they were trying to make a point. Sad, isn t it?

7 THE CLOSER YOU GET. Ah, begorrah, them Paddies with their yokes of Catholic tyranny and the like. Jaysus, sure let s take our British National Lottery funding and make a film about them being retarded virgins. It ll be great fun, so it will. Top of the morning to ya!!!

8 RETURN TO ME. The sappiest movie in living memory, starring a terrifyingly twee Minnie Driver opposite the none-less-talented David Duchovny in a putrid feelbland romance straight from the Mills & Boon stable.

9 MISSION TO MARS. Unflinchingly tedious, unfailingly moronic display of Stars- n-Stripes waving from our ever-benevolent imperial protectors. Its a winning combination all round.

10 BLAIR WITCH 2: BOOK OF SHADOWS. Unfit to rim its predecessor s piles, this ghastly sequel is aimed squarely at the sad-and-morbid teen-Yank Marilyn Manson mob, with deathly-faced adolescent poseurs here, there and everywhere. It s also lurid and nasty beyond contempt, with ritual disembowellings the chief source of alleged entertainment: don t go near it, kids.
Happy Xmas!