"I want to make it absolutely clear that I did not have Steve Coogan’s sloppy seconds!”
Justin Hawkins is letting it be known that, contrary to salacious internet reports, he has never spermed Courtney Love’s advances or in any way been runner-up to the Manchester funnyman.
“It’s a classic case of the press taking a tiny grain of truth and turning it into, well, complete bollocks,” the Darkness mainman continues. “The London radio station, XFM, had the brilliant idea of making a catsuit for me out of their listeners’ knickers. Courtney very kindly donated one of the first pairs, which got the fucking Daily Mail so excited they invented a quote that had me saying, ‘Courtney Love stood in front of me and took her underwear off.’ Great journalism except for the fact that I’ve never been in the same room as her.”
Note the use of “same room”, which means sexual relations between them could have occurred in a field, up a mountain, beside a stream or, indeed, on the bonnet of Justin’s brand new Ferrari.
“You’re joking about it, but that’s the kind of twisting of words that goes on in Tabloidland, and I’m sick of it.”
Next he’ll be telling us that he didn’t call James Blunt “a dullard” and then berate “the wretched, talentless fools whose records ought to be melted down and used to build vinyl rafts, upon which they should be set adrift in shark-infested waters.” Nice turn of phrase by the way.
“More bollocks! A journalist said to me – his words – ‘That James Blunt’s a bit of a dullard, isn’t he?’ To which I replied, ‘I haven’t heard his music but if he is a dullard that’s good for The Darkness because it’ll make our music sound more exciting.’ A few days later what appears in the papers but a ‘Hawkins Slams Blunt For Being Dull’ headline. The journalist used my name to have a go at him, which is fucking outrageous.”
And a health hazard given that he’s eventually going to run in to the ex-elite army man in question.
“There’d only be one winner in a Justin Hawkins v James Blunt fistfight and it isn’t me,” he rues. “As it happens, I did run into him and he was cool ‘cause being in the trade he knows to take all that stuff with a pinch of salt. So much so that he came to the One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back launch party and was the life and soul.
“The misquoting and being made to look an arsehole is part of the second album backlash we knew we’d get, but didn’t expect to be quite so personal. If somebody doesn’t like the music, fair enough, but don’t treat me like a complete fucking retard.”
It’s a tough call, but my favourite Justin story is the one that has him being investigated by MI5 after venting at Tony Blair over Iraq. Is his disdain for the PM sufficient to make him vote New Tory?
“Contrary to what appeared in a certain newspaper, I do not ‘hate’ Tony Blair. I made a point that he’s not necessarily a nice bloke because he’s into music, and as a historical example cited Caligula enjoying a harp lament while fisting his sister. It was the journalist’s political rant, not mine.”
Hawkins blames “all the shit that’s gone around” for the lukewarm reception One Way Ticket To Hell… has received on this side of the Atlantic. Less than two months after its release, the record is out of the Irish and UK top 75s while the aforementioned Mr. Blunt is enjoying his 42nd consecutive week in the charts.
“It hasn’t performed as well as it might have done here, but in America, Japan and the rest of South East Asia the buzz is far greater than it was with the first record,” he says switching into ‘our appeal nowadays is more select’ mode. “It’s important for us to get on the road and show people that we’re still a really great live rock band. Unlike Enya and Sade who sell 20million in their sleep, our success is dependent on us touring our arses off.”
The Darkness’ upcoming visit to Ireland will be their first sans luxuriantly mustachioed bass-player Frankie Poullain who departed the ranks in May 2005 due to – yes, you’ve guessed it – “irreconcilable musical differences.” They didn’t have to go far for a replacement, with Hawkins’ guitar tech, Ritchie Edwards, now standing in front of the amps rather than behind them.
“It’s a progression,” Justin enthuses. “We look better, sound better and are going to kick more arse because of it. On a personal level, he’s a lovely guy who hasn’t got a prima donna bone in his body .”
Much has been made of the new record’s overt cocaine references, and the extent to which Hawkins’ lyrics (“My septum is in tatters and I’ve still got the runs”) are autobiographical. Are people right to be concerned about his mental wellbeing or is he fighting fit?
“Fit’s an exaggeration,” he laughs. “I’m slightly overweight, but working on it even as we speak. I went to Dubai for two weeks over Christmas, so I feel fully charged and ready to do battle.”