PERNICIOUS COLONISERS FINALLY SPLIT THE GAA- FASCIST WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

In a shock announcement from the confines of his iron lung, bubbly 102 year-old Gaelic stalwart Malachy O’Malachy has threatened to split the GAA. An active campaigner for the revival of our lesser-known indigenous pastimes until the partial removal of his bowel in 1997, Mr. O’Malachy has recently decided to part with the Association. This follows their shock decision to abandon the promotion of traditional sporting activities such as leapfrog, hiding the slither, cock of the walk, ring-tossing, rimming the piles, poke-in-the-hole and hand-ball.
“This is the greatest national tragedy since they cancelled Leave It To Mrs. O’Brien,” spluttered Malachy through the third hole in his neck, “it’s bad enough that a body can’t stand on Hill 16 without being surrounded by swathes of RUC men and legions from the British armed forces, but the modern, commercial, multicultural, inclusive GAA seems no longer to have any place for such magnificent man and boy spectacles as Potato Insertion. They must be stopped.”
Mr. O’Malachy, who holds the official Guinness record for bursting soccer balls, insists that hurling and football were only ever intended to be stopgap national sports.
“As Dr. Croke almost said himself, the pernicious colonisers had left our four green fields in a permanent state of effeminacy,” explained the sprightly 102 year-old, with the aid of an interpreter and a strategically placed colostomy bag. “Football and hurling were only supposed to be the first easy step towards recovering our manly cultural heritage. In order to restore the balance I will be founding the Continuity GAA, to promote our great lost sports such as Poke-The-Boy. Cuchulainn himself is said to have enjoyed many rounds of Pokery before breakfasting on rashers, Woodbine and stout, going to Mass and defeating an unruly pack of invading English wolfhounds.”
The GAA have responded to this development by asking Mr. O’Malachy to put the rulebook for Poke-The-Boy “beyond use.”

DYLAN AND ZEVON FOR SLANE:

The Ladies’ Cross-Border Garden Fete Association have announced that Mrs. Daphne Dylan and Mrs. Yvonne Zevon will be giving a baking demonstration at the Slane parish hall next Wednesday. The Border Fascist can exclusively reveal that amidst all the gabbing about toilet seats, margarine, darning and other lovely subjects of female interest, a new spatula will be road-tested – or should that be saucepan-tested! - by the two visitors. The event will be immediately followed by a toy sale on behalf of a Ms. Ann Summers.

DEPUTY EDITOR LEAVES FASCIST:

It is great deep bitterness that The Fascist must announce the departure of Liam Mackey, Deputy Editor of this fine paper since the end of the War Of Independence. Now that he has defected to the glamorous post of Bog Snorkelling correspondent at The Lamb And Ewing Chronicle, we at the Fascist were thrilled to present him with a golden parachute. That way, should he ever encounter difficulties at seventy thousand feet, he’ll fall to a grisly death all the quicker. Ingrate. Now let’s never speak of him again.

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX AND HOW NOT TO DO IT:

Sex. It’s all the rage these days it would seem. Well, never let it be said that The Border Fascist isn’t down with the ‘groovy’ youth of Ireland and determined to court new advertisers (please see our sponsor’s notice*). It is our austere pleasure to introduce Sister Assumpta Concepta, here to answer all your carnal questions and banish whatever you had in mind.

[* In association with Gallagher’s General – suppliers of livestock feed and silicone rectal plugs since 1887.]

Dear Sister,
I have been dying to give my girlfriend a pearl necklace, but she seems reluctant. What should I do?
Mr. E. Mordaunt, Drogheda.

Perhaps she thinks they’re cheap cultured pearls. Reassure her with a receipt and I can think of no reason why she won’t allow you to adorn her with your lovely gift.

Dear Sister,
For the longest time, I have been trying to talk my boyfriend into accepting a golden shower. He just won’t budge and it’s coming between us. Any advice?
- Ms. Dita Dix, Carrickmacross.

Please see response above.

Dear Sister,
For many years now, when not visiting crush-porn and fem-slash websites, I have been plagued with an overwhelming desire to be placed in an iron maiden to the strains of Leonard Nimoy’s 1970 album, Dr. Spock Sings Earth Songs. Should I see a doctor?
- Name And Address withheld by Sister Assumpta Concepta

No. You need spiritual guidance. I’m guessing you’re a Catholic. (You’d have to be.) You need to think about what a wicked, dirty boy you’re being. You need to think long and hard about it. Long and hard. In fact you’re such a worthless filthy boy, I think I’m going to have to pay you a personal visit.

CORRECTIONS & CLARIFICATIONS:

The stories ‘The Day The Laughter Stopped’, ‘Child Killing Horror’ and ‘Carnage In The Playground’ in our September edition should have read Beslan, not Mosney.
Sincere apologies also to Mr. Contface, for the unfortunate typographical error last week.