And now for Niamh’s WRITE HERE, WRITE NOW entry ...

Social media: A Writer’s Tale

Pitch: The pilot episode of “Medazza”, a sitcom set in present day Cork. “Medazza” follows 17 year old Laura and her family. Jo, Laura’s sister, has dropped out of college in order to pursue a career in social media influencing. Jo and Laura live with their mother, Mary, a music teacher.

Opening scene is set in an Irish class. A series of bored looking students sit in the classroom, while a teacher speaks in Irish.

Teacher: (In subtitles): Social media can destroy the life of the addict. They can become prone headaches, an inability to sleep and sometimes pregnancy.

confused look on Laura’s face

They can become isolated from their family, friends and even sometimes die only to be left alone and eaten by cats.
Laura’s eyes roll
If you know someone who suffers from-

*bell rings*

Teacher: (in English) I want all of you to write a paragraph on the dangers of addiction to social media for Monday.

Class: *groans*

Teacher: Be grateful it’s not an aiste! Slán leat!

CUT TO:
Scene in corridor, Bronagh runs to catch up with Laura. They walk side by side.

Bronagh: Here, so I hear you like queer or something.

Laura: Wait, how do you -?

Bronagh: That you’re a fanny fiddler?

Laura: If you must be so blunt.

Bronagh: Sure didn’t the guidance counselor.

Laura: Oh for f-

Bronagh: Well, like I was telling her, that I, like, changed my Facebook status from interested in men to, like, questioning because, like, I’m like soooo fed up feens to be honest. See your man on Saturday said I was the only beour he was texting, righ?

Laura: Ehh, right.

Bronagh: And then, sure doesn’t Gemma see your man on Monday morning with a bruise on his neck the size of my nan’s knickers and I hear it’s a hickey from Niamh Hickey, the langer.

Laura: You know, banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour.

Bronagh: (continuing) So then I was like you know wha? Feck it he can shag off and I change my status to questioning, like.

Laura: Inspiring.

Bronagh: Unreal, so are you going to Cry Tweet’s gig tonight in the Kino yeah?

Laura: Maybe, I don’t know, I mean I have a lot to catch up-

Bronagh: (interrupting) Legend, absolutely buzzing. Can’t wait to see you there, hun. Hope you don’t mind – its my first date as a dyke! See ya at the kino love.

Runs off, exiting

Laura: looks back, agape
To herself: Well, at least that explains why the English teacher gave me the Oscar Wilde biography.

Intro: A montage of Laura and Jo squabbling and scrapping, while “2 Pints of Rasa” by Sultans of Ping plays.

CUT TO:
Domestic scene, Jo and mother in kitchen laughing. Laura enters, closing front door behind her.

Laura: Ma! I’m home,.Ugh if I never saw that pla- (sees Jo, suddenly halting) Jo?

Jo: Heeeeeeeeeyyyyaaa sis‼ You missed me didn’t ya?

Laura: Feels like not a day has gone by. You weren’t supposed to be back until Christmas, I thought?

Jo: Well, SURPRISE! I’m coming down!

Laura: Oh, so you told ma you do yokes?

Mum: Wha?

Jo: (nervously) Of course I eat the yellow part of the egg, silly! (Makes face)
No, I mean I am dropping out of Trinners to focus on my career.

Laura: I’m not sure doing drugs and eating potnoodle is a career, Jo.

Jo: (nervously) Ha ha ha, no. My career as a social media influencer, Laur! (gives her dagger eyes)

Laura: Eeeh wha? Ma! I thought I was supposed to be the happy-go-lucky stoner who lives in our attic with the bats and paranoia, and anti government conspiracy theories.

Mum: Laura pet, we love your sister and we’ll support her no matter what. And besides, Dublin was very expensive.

Laura: (holds hands up in a priest-like way) And now, a moment of silence for the Jewish and Islamic studies department in Trinity, who’ve just lost a brilliant academic.

Mum: Now, Laura, hold the sarcasm

Laura: Yeah ma, but have you seen her blog? It’s soft porn with the occasional avocado. That’s not a career. Her blog name is literally @JoTheHoe !

Jo: You’re just jealous that three thousand people are invested in @JoTheHoe, ya rugmuncher!

Laura: What is it with you people and my sexuality today? How do you even know?

Jo: It’s all over Twitter that you’re going out with Bronagh Daly. Duhhhhhh.

Laura: Ugh, I do not want to go out with Bronagh. Bronagh wasn’t even supposed to know! (under her breath) Ms Cunningham is the worst bloody guidance counselor.

Mum: Laura, you’re gay? Love that’s fantastic news! Sure didn’t I say I’d be a great parent for a queer? I wanted one of ye to be gay. I voted yes you know.

Laura rolls her eyes

Laura: Ha ha ha. Well amn’t I glad my sexuality is a great comfort to you?

Mum: Well, aren’t you lucky Jacinta Madden isn’t your mother? Her girl is in a right state over the whole being gay, and her mother thinking she should burn-in-the-fiery-flames-of-hell-for-eternity malarkey. Jacinta is very homophobic, you know.

Laura: (mock surprise) Jacinta Madden, head of the parent’s association, homophobic? Christ, that came out of nowhere after her lecture last year on how abstinence is the best form of contraception.

Jo: She should be pleased. Lesbianism is pretty effective too.

Mum: Well, wouldn’t it be lovely if you took Aoife Madden out on a nice gay date? She’s taking the everlasting swim in the burning lakes very personally.

Laura: I wonder why…

Mum: Enough of being a smart ass. I’ll text Aoife saying you’ll take her to that Cry Tweet gig tonight. Desperate glum howling that Cry Tweet music. You’ll have a great time.

Laura: As awful as that sounds, I can’t. I’ve another date tonight in the Kino, ma.

Jo: Hey! How come your one is getting all the action!?

Laura: Believe me, Jo, it’s entirely involuntary. I do not want to go out with psycho Bronagh, who’ll probably punch me, or agonised Aoife, who’ll probably cry on me.

Mum: Well, you’ll just have to go out with both of them. I thought all of you trendy youngsters were bisexual these days anyway.

Laura: That’s not what bisexual means, ma.

Mum: Well, bisexual or no, in my day we used to do what our mammies told us to do.

Laura: Even when your mammies set you up on blind dates with depresso lesbians?

Mum: Well now, Laura, not every mammy would organize a lovely lesbian date for you the day you come out. And anyway you’d be doing me a huge favour, I’ve been wanting to stick it to Jacinta Madden for ages.

Laura: Ma, please do not set me up with your music students. It’s ungodly.

Mum: (grinning) That’s what Jacinta Madden will think too.

Jo interrupts.
Jo: Anyway, I’m going to that Cry Tweet gig tonight too! This is so great you’re really a fanny fiddler. I sooo thought it was fake news! We haaaaave to go together. This is going to make me look like suuuuuch a good person!

Laura: Well, I’m pleased everyone is enjoying my sexuality. Maybe I could run in front of a lorry while I’m at it? Become a nice gay quadriplegic? Would that make ye feel like inspirational people, yeah? Ye could get a spot on Nationwide.

Jo: Quadriplegic ew.

Laura: Oh, my bad. Maybe I could find a nice riddled dog and get bitten? Would rabies be good for your blog traffic? You could you use a picture of my foaming mouth for clickbait!

Jo: (ignoring Laura) We have to get photographed together. This is going to be soooooo great for @JoTheHoe. I’m going to write a supeeeeerr piece on how my courageous pursual of my social media influencing career has inspired you to bravely come out.

Laura: But that didn’t happen.

Jo: And neither did the homophobic attack I’m going to write about. I have to keep up an image, Laur.

Laura: What? Fake that I was attacked in order to get a few more readers? Jo that’s totally immoral.

Mum: Like many people would say your sexuality is petal, but I don’t. (Claps Laura on the back)

Jo: (to herself) God this is totally going to blow up! I’m going to my room.

Laura: Eh, slow down Jo. I moved into the bigger room after you went up this term.

Jo: Well, I guess you’re going to have to move out, won’t you?

Laura: Not so fast – ma Airbnb-ed my room

Jo: Ma!?

Mum: Dublin’s very expensive, petal. Anyway there’s more than enough room for both of ye in the big room!

CUT TO:
Laura and Jo are squished together in the supposed “Big Room”, where there is clearly less than enough room.

Jo: (Looking through clothes strewn across the room) I need to find something cool for tonight. I haaave to impress Conor Sheehy, the lead singer of Cry Tweet. He’s got over four thousand followers on Instagram. This will do wonders for @JoTheHoe’s image.

Laura: Ah would ya look. Young love, using someone for their online presence.

Jo: Look it’s a win-win. We’d be a power couple. It could be a forbidden love, star-cut lovers!

Laura: It’s crossed, and eh, what exact breed of bullshitter are you? What’s forbidden about your love?

Jo: Well, I’m obviously going to write about how my feminazi sister objects to my hetro-normative relationship. The very relationship that symbolizes her oppression.

Laura: Jo! That’s not true, I object because you’re using him.

Jo: Look, I need conflict to keep interest in the blog, Laura. Anyway you’re one to lecture me on romance, Lesthario.

Laura: Well, it’s not my fault I’m everyone’s favourite pet gay. I’m two-timing entirely against my will.

Jo: Christ! I forgot, Conor Sheehy’s twin sister is gay! Hannah. She’s doing the photos tonight for the gig. You could like totally be my in.

Laura: No way. I am definitely not doing that. Two is bad enough, Jo. There’s nothing you could possibly say or offer me that will tempt me to screw over another poor lesbo. No, absolutely not. I refuse. It’s wrong. Never.

Jo: I will sleep on the sofa and you can have the big room for a month.

Laura: Deal.

Jo: Principled, my hole.

Laura: The more the merrier, I always say. Look, I am already going to hell it would appear – what harm is another to my misery a trois.

Jo: (not listening) I neeeeeed to look unreal. This gig is essentially my launch party into the world of social media influencing.

Laura: And this gig is my nose’s launch party into Bronagh Daly’s fist.

Jo: Stop moping about, Laur, you’ve got three rides on the go. You’re living the dream. Meanwhile I need to find a way to get a cool boyfriend to boost my internet presence. This is make or break – influencing is a dog tweet dog world. I need something fresh, cool, fleek, up to- (suddenly stops) Bingo!
(Pulls out luminous sports armband)
God this is perfect. It’s amazing. It’s simple, it’s sports luxe-

Laura: (interrupting) It’s an armband.

Jo: That’s a funny way of saying sleeve bag. Look, it totally carries all your IDs, cash, cards and phone. It’s cool and practical. It’s the new fanny pack.

Laura: You’ll look like a right fanny, alright.

Jo: Yeah, like you’d know. I’m going to wear it with all black to let the colour pop. @JoTheHoe is bringing street style to the Kino.

Laura: They won’t know what hit them. Jo, do you realize you’re going to look like you’re working?

Jo: Well, I will be, as a social media influencer Laur!

Laura: No I mean-

Mum: (Shouting up the stairs) Laura, Aoife is here for that lovely lesbian date I arranged for you.

Jo: I can just tell everything is going to be totally amazing!

Laura: Ah, shite.

End of Part one

Break

Part two
Laura, Jo and Aoife Madden are all standing outside the Kino in line. Jo looks like a bouncer.

Jo: (chewing gum) God, Laur, I never knew how big my presence in Cork was. Everyone is like, staring at me. I knew this was an amazing outfit choice.

Laura: While the sleeve bag is indeed stunning, Jo, that’s not why they’re looking, it’s because you look like a –

Line begins to move
Jo: (in bouncer voice) Alright lads, let’s keep it moving now. This isn’t a meet and greet. Let’s keep going. (turning to Laura) I look like a what?

Laura: (sarcastically) A vision, Jo, you’re a vision.

Jo: I know! I look deadly.

Laura: (turning to Aoife as they shuffle into the Kino) So uh Aoife, my ma teaches you music eh? What kind of music do you like?

Aoife: Oh, I don’t really like music to be honest.

Laura: Oh, right yeah. D’ju like films?

Aoife: No, not really

Laura: Dogs, Twitter, stamp collecting?

Aoife: No, not really my thing.

Laura: Eh, ok. What do you do in your spare time so?

Aoife: Ah, sure you know yourself. Mostly pray. Pray away the gay.

Laura: Oh, right yeah. Praying. The Hail Mary is a banger alright. (pauses, lull in conversation) Did you know that banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour? It’s interesting right.

Aoife: Yeah, I did.

Laura: Yeah. It’s interesting right?

Aoife: Yeah, it is to be fair
awkward silence ensues
Laura: Any fun pray away the gay prayers?

Aoife: At the moment I’m doing one mam gave me. It goes “Lord help me through the day, Make sure I don’t think gay.” It’s lovely isn’t it?

Laura: Brilliant, yeah.

Another awkward silence ensues. By this time they’ve made their way inside the Kino.

Laura: Eh, should I get us a couple of drinks?

Aoife: I don’t dri-

Laura: That’s OK. I’ll get me a couple of drinks. Hey, you never know, you might find a suppressed homosexual priest here who’ll transubstaniate a few for you. Ha ha!

Aoife: Mam says that people who make jokes like that are pushing Jesus away

Laura: Your ma wouldn’t know Jesus if he was crucified in the nip in front of her. Jesus and I have a long distance thing going on.

Aoife: Mam says to stay away from people who distance themselves from Jesus.

Laura: Your mother is a very wise woman.

CUT TO
Shot of stage. Cry Tweet in on stage, loads of cool looking kids dressed in all black and CRY TWEET sprawled across a banner behind them. Conor, the lead singer and guitarist, is at the front.

Conor: Hi lads, we are Cry Tweet and we’re here to make you think about wealth redistribution and sex.

Jo: (shouts from the back) Play “Communist Manifest-hoe”!

Conor: Uhm, ok uh no, anyway, this one is called “Facebook is for the Bourgeoisie”.

Jo: (shouts) Whoo. Deadly!
CUT TO

Laura is at the bar. It’s crowded.

Laura: Hey can I have 2 vodka rasas please and don’t go easy on that rasa.

Hannah: (from behind her) Yeah, I hear that rasa’s a killer.

Laura: Oh, believe me the night I’m having it’d want to be.

Hannah: Try me.

Laura: (all in one breath) Well, I was outed by the school guidance counselor and now I’ve accidently agreed to go on a date with a lunatic who is possibly the most homophobic wannabe lesbian out there, who may or may not physically assault me, and who I happen to be two timing at this very minute by being on another date with a Christian gay who’s in denial and who I’m only taking out because my mam wants to spite her ma and now I’m drinking my feelings. (breathes out, takes a large gulp of drink)

Hannah: Christ on a hoverboard, that’s bleak. I thought my night was grim but there’s no way I can outdo-

Laura: That’s part one. (Another deep breath) No, my self obsessed social media influencer sister, who is currently dressed like a bouncer and acting like a bouncer but is in fact not a bouncer, wants to set me up with wankish Conor Tweedy’s presumably equally wankish sister, Hannah, and to tell the truth I would rather stay at home and pluck out all of my eyelashes individually to make wigs for moths (takes another gulp of drink)

Hannah: Yeah, premature moth balding is at an all time high I hear. What’s your name?

Laura: It’s Laura, but some people call me big dyke it would appear. You?

Hannah: It’s Hannah, but some people call me wankish it would appear.

Laura: (eyes wide) Oh God, I am so-

Hannah: (laughing) No, seriously don’t worry about it, you obviously have bigger problems and one of them is coming this way I think (nods head toward Bronagh Daly barreling towards them, pushing people out of the way) and eh, my name is Hannah Sheehy, not Tweedy by the way

Laura: (groans) Oh God.

Bronagh: (pointing at Hannah) Who’s the mog?

Laura: Eh Bronagh, this is-

Hannah: Someone who’s just about to leave. I have to take photos of the gig for the band’s page. You kids have fun

Hannah exits

Bronagh: What a gomie.

Laura: (Nervously) You haven’t seen a Christian lesbian about yay high (makes gesture) by any chance?

Bronagh: (ignoring Laura) Here, you won’t believe what your man says to me.

Laura: What’s your man to a non-believer?

Bronagh: So, like, he saw on Facebook that I was going to Cry Tweet’s gig tonight. Yeah?

Laura: Aha (distracted, looking around for Aoife).

Bronagh: And sure doesn’t he text me like, “You going tonight yeah?” And I goes, “yeah”.

Laura: Uhh, OK (still looking around her).

Bronagh: And then he left me on seen, the langer. Seriously the cheek of- Oh hun, did you get me a drink? (grabs the second vodka rasa) You’re the soundest beour ever. You’re way better than your man, like. D’ju know your man used to make me buy the gatt? What kind of skant langer was he? I swear I am done with fellas.

Laura: (turning to Bronagh) Look, Bronagh I think I should say something.

Bronagh: Honestly, I’ll bate him if he comes near me. I’ll bate anyone who two times me with other beours like your man and Niamh Hickey, the langer. Seriously, I’ve got a hurley at home and I’ll bate the living daylights out of any weapon who crosses me again (forming fists). I will like.

Laura: (nods nervously) Aha.

Bronagh: What was it you wanted to say to me love?

Laura: (nervously) Uh, your hair is lovely – did you get it done recently?

Bronagh : Ah, you’re too good. Nah girl, I did it myself. It’s stunning isn’t it?

Laura: (Nods nervously) Yeah yeah, you’re a vision. I’m just going to go to the toilet there and burn 150 calories. It should only take an hour.

Bronagh: You know the other day your man told me that I (air quotations) “scare the bejesus out of him” and I’m “unapproachable.” What a wreckhead, like.

Laura: (backing away nervously) Yeah, the bastard.

Bronagh: (not noticing Laura is gone) The cheek of the langer. You know, I am so much better off as a dyke without your man, beours are the way to go. I was saying this to Gemma the other day, that if your man can’t see that I’m an angel, an angel. He can go shag off. Honestly-

CUT TO:
Jo is standing alone at the bar. Various people approach her. She thinks that they’re romantically interested. They are in fact showing her their IDs.

(Pimply boy approaches her)

Jo: Not tonight, hun!

(looks sad and exists)

(another boy approaches)

Jo: Not in those shoes, luv.

(shoe boy exits)
(another lad stumbles towards her)

Jo: You’re too drunk.

(he stumbles away)

Jo: (to a bartender) Oh my god, I cannot believe the weight of my brand, these boys are soooooooo depressed I’m turning them down, they’re just leaving. They respect the authority of my position! This is deadly.

Bartender: Well, of course they’re leaving when you turn them down. They have to listen to you because of your job.

Jo: Oh, and believe me it isn’t easy mate.

CUT TO:
The woman’s bathroom. Laura is gently banging her head against a wall groaning. Aoife Madden interrupts her.

Aoife: Laura?

Laura: (jumps) Ahhh!

Aoife: Are you doing penance?

Laura: Uh, wha?

Aoife: You know penance, for all your sins as a homosexual.

Laura: Eh… Yeah, yeah I am.

Aoife: Can I join you?

Laura: Sure, knock yourself out.

Aoife: Great.

Laura: No, seriously, knock yourself out.

(Jo enters)
Jo: How are my second and seventh favourite lesbians doing?

Aoife: I’m not a lesbian. I’m just being tested by Jesus!

Laura: Uh, I’m not first Jo?!

Jo: Hush ,seventh! Uh Aoife, what’s the whole “being tested by Jesus” craic?

Aoife: Oh well you see Jesus is testing my faith by giving me impure thoughts.

Jo: Oh my god, wait – let me write this down for @JoTheHoe. I love this kooky pseudo religious stuff!

Laura: Uh, “kooky pseudo religious stuff” Jo? Didn’t you do Jewish and Islamic studies? No sense of the complex and sacred nature of people’s beliefs? Just more freaky stuff to whore out for your blog?

Jo: Watch it, eighth!

Laura: (looking around) Where are these gay girls?

Jo: So, uh Aoife, wanna do an interview? I can give you a pseudonym so people don’t like, send you death threats?

Aoife: No, eh… I’m alright I think.

Jo: Ah, worth a shot. Jesus, Mary and Joseph’s Arab strap! (Aoife flinches) This queue is taking forever
(gruff bouncer voice) All right ladies, hurry up (bangs doors of cubicles). I don’t want any hassle, just in and out, lads.

Aoife: (to Laura) God, your sister is a really mean bouncer.

Laura: Oh nah, she’s not a bouncer.

Aoife: Oh yeah, and I’m not gay! (bursts out laughing then turns into tears)

Hannah comes out of cubicle

Hannah: Jeez that bouncer is the Nobel Laureate of assholes.

Laura: Not a bouncer.

Hannah: Oh! (washes hands) So that’s the sister?

Laura: Aha.

Hannah: The one who wants to ride my wankish brother for more traction on her Insta-Twit or something? (dries hands with a paper towel).

Laura: The very same.

Hannah: Huh. (pauses) I think they’ll make a great pair. So how has the night from hell been going so far?

Aoife: DON”T TALK ABOUT HELL! (runs into cubicle crying).

Laura: (nodding towards Aoife) I think that about sums it up.

Hannah: That bad, really?

Laura: Well, Bronagh went into great detail about how she would hurt people who two-timed her, while Aoife discussed how gay people are going to burn for eternity.

Hannah: Jesus Christ!

Aoife: (from the cubicle) DON’T MENTION HIM EITHER!

Laura: (nodding towards the cubicle Aoife is in) It’s kind of like Leroy Brown has been made into a night. It’s (singing) Bad! Bad! The baddest night in the whole damn town.

Hannah: (laughing)

Laura: Honestly, this is circle number ten of the inferno that Dante forgot to jot down. I just want this disgusting comedy to end ASAP.

Hannah: Oh well, that’s a shame. I was hoping after the gig we could get a drink or something.

Laura: (sharp intake of breath) What? That would be-

Music starts playing

Hannah: Oh Christ!

Aoife: (from the cubicle) NOT AGAIN!

Hannah: That’s ‘Twitter’s for the Proletariat’. It’s the last song in the set. I have to go photograph Conor and the band looking like hipster undertakers. Hopefully catch you later though. (touches Laura’s arm) I’ll be at the bar.

Bronagh Daly barges into the bathroom

Bronagh: WHO’S YOUR ONE!?

Laura: Eh, Bronagh, I can totally explain.

Bronagh: Is this the mog who I saw you talking to earlier?

Hannah: A mog who is just about to leave actually.

Bronagh: Here Laura, like I’ve just been through a traumatic, a traumatic breakup with your man and like I’m a very vulnerable beour right now-

Laura: (to Hannah in hushed tones over Bronagh’s rambling white noise) I’ll see you for that drink if I’m not picking glass out of my eye.

Hannah: Looking forward to it.

Bronagh: (continuing) Like. I really am giving being a muff diver 110 percent, and like -

Aoife walks out of cubicle drying eyes
Laura: (eyes wide)

Aoife: Laura, who’s this?

Bronagh: Big Dyke. Who’s the other mog?

Laura: (eyes wider, panicking) Eh… I could really use that 1 hour to burn 150 calories you know.

CUT TO:
Jo is sitting onstage with Conor Sheehy. The gig is over and the band are packing up the equipment.

Jo: Soooooo Conor, I hear your parents have a house in Union Hall. Its something we have in common!

Conor: Oh your folks have a gaff in West Cork, yeah?

Jo: Uh no, but I totally looooove unions! I was part of the student union, you know. I campaigned for a student discount on rolling tobacco.

Conor: Oh so, like, you’re into student politics?

Jo: Well no, I obviously had to drop out. It was like soooo bourgeois. I’m now an active campaigner for social justice on social media.

Conor: I get ya, so many lads in student politics in Cork are such posers, like.

Conor begins putting on Keffiyeh, puts on an army jacket and puts a pipe in his mouth

Jo: Oh yeah totally. Like its actually unbearable. But not me, I tackle like real problems. That’s very much the ethos of @JoTheHoe. Today, for example, I published an article on a brutal homophobic attack that befell my poor teenage sister, Laura. You can find the link on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @JoTheHoe. Please feel free to share on your timeline – I’m about to hit critical mass.

Conor: Christ, a homophobic attack? Is she ok?

Jo: God yeah grand! There is absolutely no need at all to worry about Laura or even talk about her anymore. She is totally fine

CUT TO:
Bronagh, Laura and Aoife are standing in a row in the bathroom. Bronagh has her hands over her ears, Laura over her mouth and Aoife over her eyes.

Bronagh: Are you for real? You’re some tyrant, like. Have you been two timing us the whole time?

Laura: Uh, actually, I didn’t mean to or anything but funny story it was actually three of ye. Ha ha! You see-

Aoife: THE DEBAUCHERY (runs back into cubicle crying).

Bronagh: What did I say about being two timed-

Laura: (correcting her) Well, technically-

Bronagh: I’ll bate the head off ya (leans in towards Laura).

Aoife: THIS IS THE WORK OF SATAN (from cubicle).

Bronagh: I know people in the ra like (grinding teeth, leaning in).

Laura: Lads, calm down! I can explain.

Bronagh: For real?

Aoife: (poking head out of cubicle) To God?

Laura: Well… ehm actually no, no I can’t.

CUT TO:
Jo and Conor are talking, Jo is leaning into Conor with her arm around his bicep.

Jo: (fake laughing) Ha ha, that’s lethal. Honestly you’re so funny.

Conor: Eh, I didn’t say anything.

Jo: Ah! But it’s the way you didn’t say it.

Noise coming from off scene, Laura is running onto the stage. She runs around the equipment once with Bronagh Daly chasing after her. Bronagh picks up a drum stick threateningly and they both stop, one on either side of the drum kit. Aoife follows after them. She stands in between the two of them behind the drum kit.

Laura: Now lads, calm down.

Aoife: You’re the one who needs to calm down with your wickedness! (starts splashing water at her)

Laura: Owh! Christ, that burns!

Aoife: (gives her another splash) WELL, OF COURSE HOLY WATER BURNS HEATHENS.

Laura: Owh!

Aoife: (continues splashing) BE GONE SATAN.

Laura: No seriously, Aoife what’s in that?

Aoife: WELL HOLY WATER MIXED WITH A LITTLE (makes gesture with fingers) BIT OF ACID.

Laura: (incredulous) You’re acid attacking me!?

Aoife: FOR GOD.

Laura: Aoife, why are you even here?

Aoife: (lowing the acid attacking arm) Eh well, my mammy wanted to spite your mammy after the parent’s association introduced free condoms at Mount Sergius.

Laura: MY MA SET ME UP WITH YOU! She wanted to spite your ma after she banned the teaching of music with sexual meaning in school.

Jo: (interrupting) It significantly reduced her repertoire.

Laura: See, I wasn’t the one causing your suffering, it was our ma’s! Yay!

Aoife: And Jesus! Yay!

Laura: Yay!

Bronagh: Here (bangs drums to attract attention).

Laura: Nay!

Bronagh: I’ll bate the head off ya, Laura, I- (starts running after Laura in circles around drum kit).

Conor: (to Jo) Is that, your sister? I thought she was attacked. She look’s fine.

Jo: Eh yeah, she’s grand now.

Hannah: Lads, she’s just had acid thrown at her!

Jo: She’s a quick healer. She’s fine (leans into kiss Conor).

Hannah: Not for long she won’t be. (puts hands around mouth and starts screaming) BOUNCER, BOUNCER! (yanks Jo by the armband).

Jo: Owwwwwwwww! I’m not a bouncer!

Hannah: (whispering) She doesn’t know that (throws Jo at Bronagh).

Jo: Ahhhhh.

Bronagh: The fuck are you doing?

Jo: Stop!

Bronagh: Shag off.

Jo: Ehh (looks at Hannah, Hannah nods fiercely) By the power invested in me by the armband, I now pronounce you banned from the Kino forever, if you don’t stopping attacking my sis- eh I mean the homo, the homo (points at Laura, Laura smiles with a thumbs up).

Bronagh: Here, I’m a homo too and I have rights!

Jo: Bating people isn’t a right.

Bronagh: D’you want me to bate you?

Jo: All right, Aun Yang Lezzie, I’ll give you an unlimited bar tab.

Bronagh: Deal.

Jo: Lesbian my hole.

Bronagh: Whaa? (leaning into Jo).

Jo: (nervous) Enjoy the evening as a whole.

CUT TO:
Scene at the bar, Bronagh is downing a pint. Conor, Hannah, Aoife, Jo and Laura are all sitting on bar stools watching, agape.

Hannah: That has got to be a record.

Laura: How is that even possible?

Aoife: (sighing) God works in mysterious ways.

Jo: His mysterious way being giving a teenage girl the capacity of a brewery and to make you queer? (ogling Bronagh as she downs yet another pint).

(Aoife starts crying)

Conor: God, it must be rough enough working as a bouncer.

Jo: Oh I can’t imagine.

(Conor looks confused)

Laura: Eh, ok lads lets head.

Everyone collectively picks up their coats etc, and begins to leave, with Bronagh leaning on Laura stumbling.

Bartender: (calls after Jo) Hey! That tab is coming out of your wage.

Jo: Fine by me.

(boy approaches Jo)

Jo: Eh, I’m afraid it’s over 21s tonight.

(he turns and walks away)

Bartender: We’re not over 21s..

Jo: Yes I know, I’m over 21s.
(Jo turns and leaves)

Bartender: Shite


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