I don’t know if lapsed Protestants have the authority to declare fatwas but, if they do, death to all British Rail employees!

In case you think that’s a bit Osama Bin Laden-ish, let me recount a conversation I’ve just had with one of their ‘customer care representatives’ (AKA bastard ticket inspector).

Stuart: “Excuse me, why are we in Hastings rather than Brighton?”

Wanker: “The train split in two at Lewes. Back four carriages to Hastings, the rest to Brighton.”

Stuart: “There was no announcement.”

Tosspot: “That’s because it’s a local train and everybody knows.”

Stuart: “I’ve got a meeting in Brighton in 20 minutes.”

Spawn Of Satan: “You’re going to be late then, aren’t you?”

Normally I wouldn’t give a flying fig about punctuality but today’s different by dint of the fact that Norman Cook has found a couple of spare hours to invite Hotpress into his beautiful Brighton home. When we eventually get there – 73 minutes, 32 seconds after the designated time – we’re greeted by the sight of the Fatboy brandishing an AA road atlas, and making Princes Margaret-like remarks

about the competence of Irish journalists.

“How the hell did you end up there when you’re supposed to be here,” he says stabbing a fader-finger at the map. Bollicking administered, he disappears off into the kitchen, leaving yours truly to have a ferret round his living room which is dominated by the biggest fuck off TV you’ve ever seen. While there’s no sign of Zoë or the nipper, the miniature snooker table, playpen and pile of Walt Disney videos indicates that this is no bachelor pad.

“Zoë was a bit unenthused about leaving London at first – y’know, all her mates and work are there – but now I’ve lured her down to Brighton, she loves it,” he divulges when he returns from the kitchen with a plate of cauliflower cheese.

“We’ve got an intercom on the door, but apart from that we don’t need any security ‘cause no one bothers us.”

While one can only imagine the trauma of being separated from The Met Bar, there are certain benefits to maritime life. Like having a private beach and a bloody great big seafront to gig along – which, of course, the boy Slim has already done. How does last summer’s Brighton beach party rate in the pantheon of classic Fatboy Slim shows?

“Straight in at number one. It was the biggest I’ve ever done, the most beautiful to look at and the warmest because it was my hometown crowd. Brighton’s quite proud of me – even when I married Zoë I didn’t move up to London, and I help out with the football club. There was also a bit of a homecoming vibe to it. America and Australia conquered, here I was, back among my own.”

What did it displace at the top of the gig chart?

“Glastonbury, the year that ‘Praise You’ and You’ve Come A Long Way Baby were both number one and the whole country seemed to be larging it. I also had a beautiful night at Red Rocks in Colorado, but as that was opening for Tom & Ed (The Chemical Brothers) it only scrapes in at number five!”

Chuffed with the national headlines it generated, Brighton Council have given permission for Normstock to become an annual event.

“Anything that brings kudos and money to the town is OK by them,” he reflects. “Channel 4, who filmed it for a documentary, wanted to do it this year with the Chemical Brothers, but I said, ‘Fuck off, it’s my town’. I think they’re planning to take ‘em now to Bournemouth, which is 50 or 60 miles down the coast from here.

“As for our gig, we’ve got about three-quarters of the sponsorship needed to stage it. The total cost is a hundred grand, so if Hotpress has a few quid to spare…”

Damn, I’ve left my wallet at home, Norman. If you missed last year’s briny blowout, fear not, ‘cause this week sees the release of Live On Brighton Beach through the Fatboy’s own Southern Fried label. A no holds barred party record – “My mission was simple: make the fuckers dance!” – it explains why Cook nearly caused a riot recently in Shanghai.

“What an interesting night that was!” he deadpans. “I’m only the second DJ to go to China after Paul Oakenfold, so they don’t really have a dance culture there and put me in a club that was way too small. Confronted by a thousand kids outside trying to get in – and those inside moshing and pogoing – the police freaked and sent a message via the promoter saying, ‘If you don’t tone down the music…’

“That was okay, but then this policeman came and stood between me and the crowd going like this (adopts Pitbull Terrier pose). It was really intimidating, so I crawled under the decks, grabbed him by the leg and said, ‘Look, it’s fine. Stand there if you want to protect me, but don’t mess with the punters’. But then the decks jumped a bit because people were spilling forward – there should have been a crowd control barrier – and this bizarre through-a-third-party-dialogue started up:

‘Can you play something slower like ballads?’

‘Fuck off, I don’t have any records like that.’

‘Could you switch the music off for 10 minutes ‘cause we’re worried that this is going to turn into a riot.’

‘These people have paid money to see me. I’ve only played for half-an-hour. If I switch off you will have a riot.’

“I’m not really a tantrum-thrower, but eventually I lost my rag and said, ‘When a fucking policeman comes up here and puts a gun to my head then I’ll switch the music off.’ The reply being, ‘They’re perfectly prepared to do that!’.”

After the grief and hassle of China, Cook’s Paddy’s Weekend visit to Ireland should be a proverbial picnic. Lush in Portrush on the 15th, the Dublin Red Box on the 16th and Tramore’s South on the 17th are the latest in a long line of gigs that have made him as big a phenomenon here as he is cross-channel.

“They’ve all been good, but the one I enjoyed the most was my first time in the Red Box. It was like England, in that things were really starting to take off, and people were going nutty – y’know, moshing and shouting and stuff. The only downer was, while I was playing, somebody nicked the jacket I had my car-keys and all my drugs in,” (laughs).

What about the 1999 Point show which, lest we forget, doubled up as David Beckham’s stag do.

“Brilliant… apart from those Man U bastards,” he says with uncharacteristic venom. “It really annoyed me, especially as they are – or were – Zoë’s favourite team. We were in the same hotel as them (The Clarence). Zoë’s interviewed most of them – one unnamed member of the team even asked her out – but when we said hello, they totally blanked us. We tried a ‘Coming to the gig, lads?’ and all we got was (makes a moronic mumbling noise).

“Anyway, I’m in the dressing-room being interviewed by the BBC when they all walk in. I’m like, ‘Oh look, there’s Manchester United!’. The camera’s pointing at me, not them, but that doesn’t stop their bouncer coming over and shouting ‘Switch that off!’. I said, ‘Excuse me, this is my dressing-room’, but no, the interview had to be stopped until they’d left. None of them even acknowledged me.

“The same thing happened the next morning. I got out of the lift at the same time as them and their girlfriends were traipsing onto the coach, and not one of ‘em said ‘hi’. They must have recognised me because I had two big boxes with ‘Fatboy Slim’ on them. I thought, ‘You wankers!’.”

None of this, I imagine, went down too well with Zoë.

“She sort of lapsed with Manchester United, and I’m slowly talking her into supporting Brighton.”

A club which has been kept out of the bankruptcy court by her husband.

“We’ve put in for a new stadium,” he says switching into Jimmy Hill mode. “There are a few people complaining – I reckon it’s 50/50 as to whether we’ll get it – but even if we do, it’ll be five years before it’s built. Our current place, Wisdean, only holds 7,000, which is going to be a problem if we win promotion ‘cause the rules say you have to be able to hold 10,000. We’re selling out every game at the moment, but with the attendance being so small, it doesn’t even cover the wages. Hence my involvement baling the club out. It’s quite ironic ‘cause the team’s got ‘Skint’ – as in the record label – written on its shirts!”

As an Everton fan, I have to say that I’m rather excited about all these “Bobby Zamora to Goodison” rumours. Is he in the car and on his way to Merseyside now, or will we have to wait for his services?

“Dream on, mate! I thought he’d go before Christmas, but with us looking good for promotion, I imagine he’ll stay until the end of the season. Bobby’s a lifelong West Ham fan, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up at Upton Park.”

You read it here first, footie fans!

The last time I engaged in social intercourse with the Fatboy, he revealed that he’d been asked to remix Laurel & Hardy’s ‘The Trail Of The Lonesome Pine’. Have there been offers since, that have been similarly easy to refuse?

“I don’t like to kiss and tell because it makes people look bad, but I got asked to score the next Muppet movie. It’d probably be the end of my career as a credible dance artist, which is a shame ‘cause I really like them.”

While “completely clueless” about the direction his next studio album will take, Cook is adamant that he won’t be jumping on the 2-Step bandwagon. Musical difference asides, he’s not the least bit impressed with the way So Solid Crew and their ilk have been conducting themselves.

“They’re trying to make it a political issue and a black issue. They’re making it into a Sex Pistols-style ‘No one will let us play, we’re outcasts’ thing. It’s not ‘cause you’re outcasts, it’s ‘cause you’re hooligans! I wouldn’t have ‘em round my house. Or my venue. The more they play up to the image, the more it encourages violent people to go to their gigs.”

Altogether more pleasant is the prospect of him and his mate Paul Oakenfold DJ-ing in Japan during the World Cup.

“Me and Oaky are the only two people who’ve had the idea,” he grins. “We booked up all the venues and we’re doing a couple of gigs together in Tokyo.

“I know it’s a cliché but I’m probably bigger in Japan than I am here. It’ll be the first time I’ve ever witnessed a World Cup.”

While Japan could vaguely be construed as work, the plethora of Lonely Planet guides on the Cook-Ball bookcase suggests that there may be some leisure time ahead.

“As Head of A&R and cheque-signer, I’m going to be quite busy with Southern Fried but, yeah, I’m thinking of cutting the DJ-ing back a bit.” says Cook. I’ll be 40 in two years and the travelling, especially, gets harder and harder.

“I had a bit of a reality check last year in Ibiza. The main set at six in the morning isn’t a problem, but having to get up and do Space at lunchtime the next day is. I was so fallen to bits that, one time, they couldn’t wake me up. I played Manumission ‘til eight, went back to have a shower and collapsed face down on my bed. They were shaking and poking me, but I was having none of it.”

Thankfully, there’s no mention of the R-word.

“Retire? Nah, at this point DJ-ing is as much a necessity of life as breathing. Most people when they get a record they really, really love rush home and put the headphones on. I have to play it to everybody else. A&R-ing a label is a similar thing – when I hear a tune I totally, 100% believe in, I can bang it out on 12”, have a word in a few ears, and get a buzz going. The DJ-ing will gradually wind-down so I can devote more time to Southern Fried, but there’s no way I’ll give it up completely. It’d be like losing a limb.”

With Southern Fried up and running, Cook has but two ambitions left to fulfil – assisting a local consortium in their take-over of Brighton & Hove Albion, and scoring a major Hollywood film.

“That bastard David Holmes got in before me!” he grins good-naturedly. “I loved doing that track for Moulin Rouge and working with Baz Luhrman. Normally they phone up and say, ‘Can we use ‘Praise You’ in so and so film’ and I go ‘Yeah’, but on this occasion Baz came down here for the weekend with a copy of the film and explained what he wanted. I did some stuff and then, later on, we spent a couple of evenings together in Sydney. It makes a nice change, working with a director rather than another musician. You’ve also got the visuals to inspire you, so all round it’s very exciting.

“The main reason I haven’t scored a whole film yet is that it takes eight months, and I ain’t had that sort of time. Until now that is. I’ve read about ten scripts this year, but haven’t found the right one yet. It’s like losing your virginity – if the first one’s bad, you might not do it again for a few years!”

All of which suggests that the wait for the next Fatboy Slim artist album could be a lengthy one.

“Skint asked me, ‘When do you want to do the next Fatboy record?’ and I said, ‘Not for at least a year’, which was fine with them. As things stand, it’ll be started in the autumn and come out next summer.”

Having successfully co-opted Macy Gray onto Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars, is he planning to bring in more featured vocalists?

“Big-name artists? Nah, I wouldn’t want it to become a routine. If I do use other people, it’s likely to be rappers ‘cause it’s something I haven’t done for ages. I just did a track with Eve for the Blade 2 soundtrack, which was great fun. It was quite funny – I’ve always had a thing about gangsta rap and will never play a record with ‘bitch’ or ‘ho’ in it. Anyway, Eve turns up with this chorus that goes, ‘Where my niggaz at, where my bitches at, where my hoes at.’ Because she’s a woman – and it’s so gratuitous – I allowed it!

“Another thing I’ve really been enjoying is remixing. In the last few months I’ve done Macy, Timo Maas, Playgroup, X-Press 2 and three or four others which have all been totally stress-free and really, really rewarding. Somebody else does the hard work and you piss about with it!

The Fatboy pauses and grins.

“Actually, that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. Piss about!”