There was much ado here in Ireland about the nanny state in 2004, and rightly so. The mullahs of public health are everywhere bar the emergency ward. But what about the billy state or, perhaps more to the point, the state of billy?

In just about every area of human endeavour apart from snooker and football, they say the Irish man is done down by either the female of the species or the nanny state. He’s said to be an underperformer in education and the kitchen, and an overperformer in the bar and the car.
So that must be him hoisted aloft over the crowd, bleating and shitting and pissing in public?
No, actually it’s Elvis. Not the dead one, the live one… the goat. This year’s King Puck, in fact! Lay down your angsts, let out your wind and rest your celebs. This kid’s a superstar and Killorglin is his Vegas. He’s the real Kid Creole. They say he’s ‘the friskiest goat in years’, in fact, the veritable poc ar buile!
Elvis, in case you need to know, is a billy or ‘a real puck’. With that name maybe even a hill-billy! And how do we know this? Why, a local vet groped his testicles, just to be sure!
Well! Those of a shy and withdrawing nature would do well to steer clear of that carry-on, eh?! But apparently they’d do well to steer clear of Dublin’s Leeson Street as well where, it was alleged by a bouncer, Eamon Dunphy made like a vet checking whether he was a nanny or billy by groping his testicles.
As we know, the Gardaí took a dim view of such allegations and charged said bouncer with making a false statement. It was implied in court that he was gold digging for compo. But the jury couldn’t agree and the case failed.
Just what Elvis would make of this kind of carry-on isn’t known. He wasn’t accorded the freedom to take the vet to court. But given the litigious state of Irish society it’s only a matter of time before some ambulance chaser sees the chance.
It’d get your goat, wouldn’t it?
Aililiú!!